Photos

I finally got tired of being cooped up in the house the other day, and decided to go out and take some pictures of the church since it's in my back yard. Here are some of my favorites:

Inspiring

This photo just reminds me so much of the Victorian Age. I don't know who took this, but whoever it may be is very talented.

I just feel so inspired by this. It makes me want to dress in soft fabrics and pretend I'm a princess!

Today, (technically yesterday since it's 1am) I had my "hearing." It started off roughly but ended pretty well. I think that I'll be able to return next semester. My dad got a call shortly after we left campus from the Dean of Student Life. He said that they would get in contact with us in November to discuss my re-enrollment.

I moved the rest of my stuff out of my dorm today with the exception of my cinder blocks. It's really depressing though. I really didn't anticipate my freshman year of college going like this... I mean, being on campus for two weeks and then being sent home for a fainting condition. I just thought things would go better.

Some school has to take me, right? I mean, I can't be treated like an invalid for the rest of my life. I have a fainting condition not MS or Down Syndrome. I can still be an active part of the world. I can still work. Really, my fainting condition is similar to epilepsy; it's just less dangerous. My brain functions normally when I'm unconscious. My heart rate isn't slowing or speeding up. I'm fine. I haven't gotten hurt over the past two years that I've lived with this. Sure, I've had a concussion or two, and a few lumps on my head, but nothing serious.

I'm just hoping and praying for the best.

At the moment, I'm trying to unwind by watching Golden Girls. I have a play to finish reading and a response paper to write for a class I'm auditing. It's due tomorrow. I only have a few pages left, and the paper only has to be a page. I think in the morning when I have a fresh mind, I'll be able to concentrate better.

Lyrics

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

Let down your defences
Use no common sense
If you look you will see
that this world is a beautiful
accident, turbulent, succulent
opulent permanent, no way
I wanna taste it
Don't wanna waste it away

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby

Is it enough?
Is it enough?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

Is it enough?
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.
oh
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

ABDC

I don't know if anyone else loves America's Best Dance Crew (my favorite part is watching the always fabulous Mario Lopez), but if you haven't been keeping up with this season you have seriously been missing out.

Last night was the finale and the crew I've been rooting for since the beginning won! We Are Heroes had amazing performances every week, and they are the first all female group to win ABDC!

Surrogates

If you haven't seen the new Bruce Willis movie, Surrogates, you are seriously missing out. It was fantastic. Even if you aren't a sci-fi kind of person, I still suggest you see it. It's very thought provoking and filmed with excellence.

Late

At the moment in which I'm typing this sentence it is 11:52 pm EST. I thought maybe that would be fun to know. No, really I just want people to know that I do not actually wait until it is midnight to post something new, I really just do it as the spirit moves me.

What I really wanted to say, or discuss are things that I don't understand and am not going to talk about. Neat, hunh? I just put stuff down, and let you imagine what I could possible say.

Let's give this a whirl.

• The hatred I feel when Saturday Night TV schedules differ from every other night.
• I'm too tired to sleep.
• I'm only comfortable temperature wise in shorts and a sweatshirt.
• Why does thinking about bugs make you itch?
• Hallmark shouldn't bother making their own movies.
• I have yet to meet a person who commented on how fantastic a Hallmark movie was.
• Fuzzy socks don't keep my toes warm.
• Neither do shoes.
• Batteries are too expensive.

That is all.

Goodnight.

Adviser?

In my life, I've suffered though just about every typical teenage thing anyone can go through (no drug abuse though). So, I've had experience in how it feels to completely hate yourself and to want to die, etc.

I am a firm believer that with experience come wisdom. Although I don't claim to be "wise," I do believe that I have wisdom beyond my years. Because of this I want to be a therapist or guidance counselor, or something in the realm that deals with adolescence.

Frankly, I think adolescence is the most confusing, lousy, heart-breaking time anyone goes though. Thousands of questions go through your mind from, "What do I want to do?" to, "Am I gay?" So it's no wonder that teens go mad during this time of their life. Who doesn't?

This is not my major point, but my minor point. My major point is that since I have this wealth of wisdom now, I try my hardest to put it to good use.

When my friends have problems, I try my hardest to use my experiences and the advice I've been given over the years to try and help them. Usually I do a fairly good job. And my friends really do seem to take my advice and respect it, and that makes me feel useful.

Sometimes though, I feel as though I'm just not qualified to answer something, and I admit that to the person with whom I'm speaking. But I always feel bad when I can't give any advice...like I'm just useless.

It's almost like I feel as though I have this responsibility to have all the answers. I know that ridiculous, but I still can't help feeling that way. I'm just not the kind of person who can sit and watch my friends be in pain. I'm so empathetic that it hurts me just as much as it hurts them.

What I worry about is when I'm an adult and I still don't have all the answers, what then? Obviously, I'll try my hardest, but what if the advice I give bites me in the ass? What if it's the wrong advice? I would have to have that blood on my hands.

Is that something that you learn as you become a counselor? Do you learn to not take it so personally when things don't go the way you wanted when it comes to a patient or student?

That's what's on my mind at the moment. I feel confident when what I say works or helps, but I don't think I've ever given advice that really hasn't helped. It just makes me kind of nervous for the future.

Today

So, like I said yesterday, I went to SU to visit my friends and pack up some of my stuffs. It was really nice getting to see my friends, and especially my roommate again!!

I wish, though, that I had more time with my roomie. Her family came and I thought we were all going to eat lunch together. I must have misunderstood or something, because her family wasn't aware, and I didn't want to impose. So Mom and I, after visiting Kallie at the volleyball game, drove back and got some lunch on the way home.

I crashed as soon as I plopped on my bed and had a wonderful nap.

Things have been crazy here for the past few weeks. I've come home, my aunt is in financial disarray with 75,000 dollars of debt and only 1400 dollars in actual unemployment income. We (my parents and I, and her brothers) are trying to bail her out in some way or another. We're buying food for her and we kicked this lying, drug user that was staying with her (whom she believed was not lying, but actually ripped several thousand dollars off from her) today. Thankfully he can't come back.

While my mother and I were at SU, my father was helping her pack some of her stuff since she's planning on moving out of Baltimore and around where we are. That is not an easy task. The woman could be in the the running for Biggest Pack rat and win. I'm not kidding. It's actually stressful being in the filth and grime amongst all of the crap when you're in her house.

Anyway, I think I also mentioned that I may be going to Greencastle...I'm not. Mom and I were just beat when we got home and the band has performed by this time anyway. Hopefully, I'll be able to make it to a football game soon.

As for my agenda tomorrow, my boyfriend is coming to see me after church. We're going out for his birthday and I'm making him a little present at the moment!

Tomorrow shall be a fun one!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is in approximately 30 minutes, and I'm glad. Not only do I hate spending a Friday night alone in my room, I especially hate it when I know I could be going to a party at Trax at SU.

As the saying goes, "Life's a bitch, then you die." Man is that so true, especially now.

On a brighter note, and it is so much brighter, I am going up to SU to spend some quality time with my friends and especially my roommate since I've been sent on this ridiculous medical leave. Amidst all of this congenial time I'm going to have, I have to pack my possessions and move out of my dorm. Move out, that is, until I'm allowed to re-enroll (the time could be as little as next semester and as long as next year).

I'm hoping that I'll also be able to attend my Alma Matter's competition at Greencastle Antrim High School tomorrow. There are a few guard girls I'd like to see again. ("Small-face" is especially not included in this action. I vowed I would never say anything else to her again, and I'm doing really well as of late.) At any rate, getting to see some of my friends would be fantastic! I'm hoping I'll be able to go!

I shall give a full report on all the splendid things that are to happen tomorrow. I now bid you all adieu.

Murphy's Law

It rules every ounce of my life. Ugh. I had to reschedule an appointment because of the hearing at SU. The lady emails me back about an appointment on October 6th. That would be great! Except I didn't check my mail until ten 'til seven. She was holding the appointment until six.

So, what exactly was I doing all day? I'll tell you. I was cleaning the house. All. Damn. Day. When I was finished, I was so worn out I had to take a nap. By the time all of this was finished, it was time for dinner.

Crap. So, I have no clue when the next appointment will be. It could be November before the next appointment!

Ciao!

Italiano was bene! It was fun, I learned a lot, and I can't wait until next week!

We spent the last half hour of class talking about Italian words we know, i.e. spaghetti, lasagna, latte, etc. So, of course, I'm starving. I really want some gelato at the moment, actually. Hmmm. Doesn't that look absolutely delectable?

So, I have a book and it comes with eight, yes 8, cds so that I can listen and learn. I think that plus by byki software I will be able to master Italian! Well, maybe not master, but I think I'll learn more.

For those who aren't familiar with byki software, it's a free download. Byki stands for : Before You Know It. They don't have just Italian. There are all kinds of languages: Norwegian, French, Greek, Spanish, Latin (I think), Arabic, etc. So, if you're interested in learning another language, I really suggest this site. You get like 7 free lessons, and can purchase more if you want. It's better than paying $300 some dollars for Rosetta Stone. (Especially if you're not sure you like it after a while. You haven't shelled out any dough.)

Buonanotte!

Mi chiamo, Megan

I have my very first class of Beginning Italian tonight. I'm excited. I'm not taking it for any credit, but at least it will keep me busy while I'm out on medical leave.

I shall let everyone know how it goes!

Ciao!

Anxiety

My heart feels tight, I'm anxious. I have my hearing on the 29th, and I'm nervous. I know I can't change the school's mind about returning this semester, but I'm nervous that they won't let me return at all. It would be completely devastating. I'm not sure I even remotely know what to say. It's supposed to be conversational, but how is that possible? How can I converse with them and convince them to let me return next semester?

It just sucks. I want to be at school so badly. So, so badly.

And getting a service dog. That seems to be even more difficult. I have to have the *right* doctor give me a reference before I can even apply for a dog. The soonest I would even be able to get one is three months! And I have to go to a three week training and such. It just seems as though I won't even have time to do all of that before the spring semester.

I don't want to have to return as a freshman next year. I'm supposed to graduate in 2013 not 2014! I have friends already, and a roommate I adore. I don't want to give that up.

National Punctuation Day

That's right, bitchezzz! Today is National Punctuation Day. Who is excited? I am; as is my friend, Macy. We're nerds and we love it.

Why do we need punctuation? I'll let the author of Eats, Shoots, and Leaves tell you. She writes:
"A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda" he says at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

Badda-bing. It's important, I tell you!

Seriously, though, go get the book. It's hilarious.

Glee?

You know how I said Glee couldn't get any better? Well, apparently it can. Next week Kristen Chenoweth will be guest starring. I shit a brick when I heard. I can't wait until next week!

As of the moment, I'm watching Golden Girls, which is a part of my nightly routine. I really like that show, it's funny. It's odd, I know, to hear an 18 year old speak of an 80s show, but I always felt as though I was born in the wrong decade. Yeah. I was. I may not think that 80s hair was/is all that fantastic, it was kind of awful, okay it was really awful, but the music was great, the fashions were fun, movies became instant hits and are classics, and television was fucking hysterical!

While I'm just sitting in my room, obviously not inspired to do my work, (Why bother? Am I going to go back this semester? Probably not.) I have time to think. What am I thinking about? To answer simply, everything. I'm praying to return to school. I'm thinking about what I can do that's theraputic for me. I'm just trying to keep my inspirational juices flowing.

I hate so much that I'm in this situation. I can't go to school because I faint, but I can't get better with the therapy I need to take unless I go to school. Why in the hell am I constantly, constantly put in the middle of impossible vicious cycles? I kind of feel like Bruce in Bruce Almighty. "God is a mean kid over an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if he wanted to, but He'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm."

I know that sounds so pathetic, and matyr-some, but that's how I feel. It just isn't fair. It's just not.

Best. Show. Ever.

Maybe since I have all this free time on my hands since I'm obviously not studying for anything, I'll try to post daily. I always say this when I blog, but I think it would be good to have some kind of goal. It will at least allow me to express myself in this...this I don't even know if there's a word for it. This pathetic excuse for a town, there that's something I can use. I thought New Oxford was bad, boy was I wrong!



Anyway, I'll try my hardest. On to better things, i.e. Glee. Can you say amazing? It is. I'm enthralled. And, annnnd, Single Ladies danced by Kurt Hummel. My heart melted. It really did.




First it was last weeks outburst of, "Who is Josh Groban? Kill yourself!" and now Single Ladies is being danced by the cutest gay male of the century. Can television get any better? I think not!

Getting Settled

I officially signed up to take Beginning Italian at Hagerstown Community College. It's not for credit, but it's a good way to use my time since it seems like I'll be in Funkstown forever. I go tomorrow and I'm excited. Maybe I can take Italian at SU in lieu of Spanish. Maybe. It's a thought.

It's just depressing being here. My days are fairly routine, but they're crap. A normal day goes like this:

I get up at 9 or 9:30.
I watch Golden Girls until I'm bored with that or annoyed that I've seen the reruns that are playing at the time.
I eat lunch/facebook/get a migraine.
Get a shower.
Facebook/nurse the migraine.
Nap.
Burn more time facebooking/watching television.
Eat dinner.
Sometimes I work through the readings from my sylabi
Facebook so more/continue to nurse the ceaseless migraine of doom.
Watch Adult Swim.
Go to bed around midnight or 1.

Doesn't that sound like a shitload of fun?!
Hmm. I didn't think so either.

I don't want to sit around all day, really, I don't. But what else can I do? I can't go any where by myself, and there really isn't any where to go. I live in a 4 square block town and the only thing to do is...actually I'm not sure what there is to do.

See my dilemma?

I just feel so shitty.
I just want to be back in school.
I can't even take an online course.

God, what in the hell can Your Plan be? Why are you testing me?

Inspired to blog

It's because I just watched Julie and Julia. God, was that a great movie. It just inspired me to write down my life, my everything. I have a lot to say. I don't know if it's interesting to anyone else but me, but I think it's important, and that's what matters. This may just be another blog failure, and it may not turn into anything uber exciting. I doubt that I'll be published, but I'm not looking for fame. I'm just looking for expression; an outlet where I can just...be myself.

My name is Megan. I'm eighteen. I'm pretty random. Murphy's Goddamed Law rules my life. I curse enough to make a sailor blush. (It's not a trait I'm particularly proud of, but it is a part of me, and I've accepted it.) I try to be as grammatically correct as possible (even on the Internet). My college situation is put on hold, and I'm not at liberty to discuss this because I'm sure somewhere the school is Googling my name in search of some way to use my words against me. After things seem to be in order, I'll elaborate.

I'm a pretty open book, so don't be shy to ask a question or say, "Hello."