Thursday, January 3, 2013

Growing, Living, Changing

A lot has changed since I last posted. How could it not, it's been over two years. But I have to say, I really like the person I've become these last two (plus) years. I've grown up a lot, grown a lot, and I have really found my own voice. I'm starting to think about things differently--not everything is a disaster, I'm finally coming into my own and learning how to let go. And letting go is difficult. Very. Especially for me--I forgive, but never, ever forget. But I'm learning how to not let anger eat me alive forever. It's been really trying, but I'm getting better at it.

I have 128 days until I graduate from college. And I am praising God/Allah/Muhammad/Buddah whomever I can in thanks. It's been a very tough three years for me. I've succeeded academically, sure, but I've had many times when professors made me want to rip out my hair, or just quit in general. The challenges I've had haven't necessarily been academic or for the betterment of my personal growth, and that's what's been the most frustrating. Being forced into a semester off really derailed my four-year plan as far as when I would take classes and the course load I would need for each semester.  As a then dual-major, I ended up needed to overload two semesters and also take several summer courses in order to "catch up."  And with all the effort I put in to not only complete my courses, but to do it well seemed in vain when it turned out that some of my professors weren't worth the effort. Many times, papers were left unread, an arbitrary grade slapped on the first page. No comments, no corrections. I just kept thinking, "I just wrote this 20-page paper so that it could sit on your desk for three weeks and so that you could just give the entire class an A. Did that just happen?" With that and for some other reasons, I feel like much of my tuition money has gone down the tubes completely wasted.

That's the most frustrating part--this feeling that my money has been a waste and that I'll graduate with a worthless degree.

It's that kind of frustration I'm trying not to let get the best of me in these next 128 days. Sure, I want to have fun with my classmates and my sorority sisters. And I certainly plan to do so. But those who keep telling me to "cherish my time" and not to wish it away, I say this: I'm not wishing away the fun times, the times with my friends, the times that are challenging but ultimately worthwhile. I'm wishing away the hell that I feel like I've walked through. Because if I go through another semester from hell, I'll probably want to put my head through a wall.

Don't worry, blogosphere, I plan to have plenty of fun in my last semester. I have some mass auditions I'm attending in January and February, and I'm sure I'll keep myself entertained, and that there will be plenty of photos documenting this experience.

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