Growing, Living, Changing

A lot has changed since I last posted. How could it not, it's been over two years. But I have to say, I really like the person I've become these last two (plus) years. I've grown up a lot, grown a lot, and I have really found my own voice. I'm starting to think about things differently--not everything is a disaster, I'm finally coming into my own and learning how to let go. And letting go is difficult. Very. Especially for me--I forgive, but never, ever forget. But I'm learning how to not let anger eat me alive forever. It's been really trying, but I'm getting better at it.

I have 128 days until I graduate from college. And I am praising God/Allah/Muhammad/Buddah whomever I can in thanks. It's been a very tough three years for me. I've succeeded academically, sure, but I've had many times when professors made me want to rip out my hair, or just quit in general. The challenges I've had haven't necessarily been academic or for the betterment of my personal growth, and that's what's been the most frustrating. Being forced into a semester off really derailed my four-year plan as far as when I would take classes and the course load I would need for each semester.  As a then dual-major, I ended up needed to overload two semesters and also take several summer courses in order to "catch up."  And with all the effort I put in to not only complete my courses, but to do it well seemed in vain when it turned out that some of my professors weren't worth the effort. Many times, papers were left unread, an arbitrary grade slapped on the first page. No comments, no corrections. I just kept thinking, "I just wrote this 20-page paper so that it could sit on your desk for three weeks and so that you could just give the entire class an A. Did that just happen?" With that and for some other reasons, I feel like much of my tuition money has gone down the tubes completely wasted.

That's the most frustrating part--this feeling that my money has been a waste and that I'll graduate with a worthless degree.

It's that kind of frustration I'm trying not to let get the best of me in these next 128 days. Sure, I want to have fun with my classmates and my sorority sisters. And I certainly plan to do so. But those who keep telling me to "cherish my time" and not to wish it away, I say this: I'm not wishing away the fun times, the times with my friends, the times that are challenging but ultimately worthwhile. I'm wishing away the hell that I feel like I've walked through. Because if I go through another semester from hell, I'll probably want to put my head through a wall.

Don't worry, blogosphere, I plan to have plenty of fun in my last semester. I have some mass auditions I'm attending in January and February, and I'm sure I'll keep myself entertained, and that there will be plenty of photos documenting this experience.

Fashion

Spending my summer working at J. Crew has really fostered a love of fashion. I look at clothes in a completely different way: I see the entire outfit by looking at one piece and can judge (usually) how well an article would look on me (with the exclusion of those things that are weird on the hanger but fabulous on). I did this on my last big shopping extravaganza with Rachel. We were at Delia's looking at cropped, 3/4 sleeve tops (pictured right) and I knew immediately how great this would look on her. She, like most people, wrinkled up her nose and shook her head; and it wasn't until after much pleading that I convinced her to at least try it on. The result: she loved it and ended up purchasing it. I have the same top in orange with the Eiffel Tower in the center.

I notice that I'm taking fashionn risks. I mean, I bought a pair of legging-like pants yesterday at work. I say legging-like because they're actually pants. They have a zipper in the back, they're thicker than denim, and they are called the Elastic Waist Pixie Pant. You see, I have this thing with people who wear leggings as pants. It just shouldn't be done. Ever. These, however are more like a nylon/spandex blend, fitted, cropped pant. (And they make my butt look great!).

Even today, I almost bought a denim button down. I decided not to because I don't think I'd wear it as much as I initially thought, but it would look really cute with these new pants.

Although I'm enjoying this new-found love, it's doing hazardous things to my cash flow. This summer, my net pay (pre-tax) is $845.59. How much of that do I actually have? Maybe $200.oo. Where did the rest of it go? It went back to J. Crew. Like most young women, I've found it hard to curb my lust and want for these clothes. See, I've really never been like this; I've never been one just to blow cash on things that I, frankly, didn't need. I'm usually one of those people that won't buy anything unless it's dirt cheap or I really do need it. And I've always been that way.

Can I rest part of the blame on my passion for fashion or a personality change? Or is it just because I'm bored here in Funkstown when I'm not working and going to the mall is a great way to be out of the house for an extended amount of time. I'm really hoping it's just a phase and I'll get over it when school starts because I can't continue to spend my money this way.

: Flavors.me

Check it.

http://flavors.me/chainedartist

Hobby and Randomness

In my spare time, I really enjoy making collages. I've made a cover for a diary, an art piece to hang in my dorm, and some inserts to go into the clear pockets on the front of binders. Recently, I've decoupaged some magazine clippings onto two wooden "M's" (decorative ones) and an old picture frame. I only have a picture of the newest M that I've decoupaged but maybe soon I'll have a picture of the other M and the frame.

It doesn't really take too long; the most time-consuming part is figuring out what I want on the material I'm covering. Things can never be too small, but they can be too big. Sorting through what I like and what I feel will work takes time; but it's relaxing so I don't really mind too much.

Once I have all the pieces, I just use Elmer's Glue (in the bottle not the stick) since it's much cheaper than actual decoupage paste and does the same thing to paste the clipping on the material and then some to put over the pasted piece. This top layer keeps the ends from curling up once the glue has dried. Any thing that sticks out over the edge of the material can either be snipped off or pasted on the back of the material. For my most recent M, I chose to snip the excess off.

Aside from the decoupaging, I haven't really been doing too much other than working and trying to stay cool in this hellish heat. Although my room is a sanctuary from the heat during the day, it can get a little cool at night; cool enough to need a blanket. It isn't just any blanket I grab for when I get chilled, it's a special blanket. I acquired this gem a few months ago at Sears for a measly $5. It's a dinosaur blanket. It's meant for small children but it suits me just fine. This blanket is that nice, soft microfiber fabric that is to-die-for soft. The fabric is not a dinosaur print but a shape. The blanket is meant for children to wear not 19-year-olds. But it was so adorable (and soft) that I just had to have it! It has a hood and pockets at the end for one to slip hands in. Above these pockets are claws. It even has a little tail in the back! It's quite adorable--so adorable in fact that I ran around Sears saying, "RAWR! I'm a dinosaur!" and ended up embarrassing my mother. (But she was the one that pointed it out to me...).

I'm so excited to take this back with me to school. I'll be the envy of all my friends!

I Have a Confession

I am in love with Chris Colfer.

Done Everything

So when you move to a new place there are always new places to explore, right? But after some time, things begin to get dull. The newness wears off. That has officially happened.

I can't just go to the mall when I get bored especially the outlets, I mean, I work there! And what else is there to do? Skating would be fun if the rink wasn't full of slutty ten-year-olds with fouler mouths than mine.

Frankly, I would love to go to a museum, but there aren't any particularly close that are age appropriate for me. So, the only place to go is D.C. Unfortunately, that's an hour and a half away and with no one to go with me it's completely unsafe, too.

So, you can probably guess that I'm restless and bored. And I am.

Summertime And the Livin' Is Easy

Not entirely true. This girl is a working girl. But I can't complain: I got time and a half for working on Memorial Day.

I would like, however, to go on a little vacation--see some friends, get a change of scenery, etc. I don't think that's likely to happen...

New Stuff

So, I went shopping today. Again. I need to stop. I purchased some black shorts, some flip flops, lotion, and a book. The book is what I'm most excited about. It's Glass by Ellen Hopkins. Basically, her books are... You know, there's really not an adjective to precisely describe her books. Riveting, captivating, emotional only scratch the surface. These books are some of my favorites. I haven't read the all, but you can bet that I will. I have to make more space on my bookshelf first. It's pretty cramped... Okay, it's really cramped.

I'm planning on starting Glass tonight. I'll make sure I tell you have much I love it later.70


Oh, and my friend, Liz, and I were discussing which television shows should keep while discarding everything else. Our list:

NCIS, CSI (with Grissom), L&O: CI and SVU, CSI: NY, Criminal Minds, House, The Nanny, South Park, Family Guy, 70's and 80's re-runs, Golden Girls, Designing Women, The Big Bang Theory, and of course, Glee.

Opinions? Thoughts? Care to add a show?

Employed!

That's right! I am now employed at J. Crew. I won't have my first day at work until sometime next week, but knowing that I have some kind of job lined up for the summer is comforting; and the pay--fantastic! I haven't worked anywhere yet that's payed me 8 bucks an hour so one can see especially why I'm stoked! I mean, the money isn't the only reason--I really like working retail especially in comparison to bussing tables.

I'm excited, nonetheless and hope I enjoy it as much as I enjoyed working at Tommy.

Awkward IM

So, my senior year of high school I "dated" this guy. I use quotes because our "relationship" was a whopping 4 days. So I get an instant message tonight from him. "Hello beautiful. How are you gorgeous?"

I'm kind of shocked, but I can see where this is heading. And as I predicted, it ended with a, "I still like you."

Strange, because I haven't thought about this kid romantically in a while. I mean, I consider him to be a friend of mine, he's a sweet enough guy, but for some reason I just think he still likes me because it's convenient; other things aren't working out romantically and I just so happen to pop into his head.

It kind of makes me feel used and like a back-up for when things don't go as planned. I have more value than that.

Since It's Been Eons

My first semester at SU has been complete. I'm still waiting on my final grades which is pretty nerve wracking. What's so weird about college, is that it's so hard to know where you stand in a class academically until midterms or finals unless your professor posts grades frequently. And it makes me very anxious not knowing how I'm doing in a class especially when the turn around time for papers and quizzes isn't quick. Like my Spanish class, I had an A- at midterms and I have no clue how the hell that happened. Not that I'm complaining, but it doesn't seem (from what I can calculate) that my midterm grade will be better. It's unfortunate; I tried my hardest.

I am glad though that my classes are over. So beyond glad. I mean, I liked most of my classes, my psych, and my costume tech class, and Spanish when the love/hate relationship I have with it is on the loving part.

But now I'm enjoying "summer." I'll really be able to enjoy it in 10 weeks when my 2 classes are over. Although I am enjoying driving to my classes. I finally feel like I have some freedom. I don't enjoying going to class, they aren't dull, but who really wants to go to classes during the summer? July 19th can't come soon enough.

Also, I've been pounding the pavement looking for a job. Tommy doesn't have enough payroll to re-hire me for the summer. I have an interview at J. Crew on Friday, and I would really, really like to work there. The clothes are fantastic!

Anyway, that's how life has been for the past few months. Pretty boring.

Ailey II

Ailey II was amazing! Completely amazing! If you ever get a chance to see them, I strongly suggest that you go and see them perform. They were all such gorgeous, beautiful, graceful dancers. I can't even get over it!

I guess a bit of an update is in order.

Spring is officially (except for yesterday) here in Selinsgrove. I'm definitely excited for all the spring and summer fashions and for Easter Break so that I can officially switch out my closet here in my dorm. After being here at school for only the winter, I realized that as I organized my closet last week, that I have accumulated so many black tops. It's pretty depressing! I wake up in the morning, do my thing, and when I get dressed, I want to look spring-y but alas! My closet is mostly made up of dark, winter colors. So going home in a week will be nice.

Tonight, I'm going to see Ailey II, a dance troupe. I'm so, so excited! I watched a few videos of them on youtube some this week, and they are AMAZING! I'll definitely let you know how fantastic they are later.

'Tis all for now!

Spring Time!

It's sunny and 72 degrees. I have to re-sew my PJ bottoms (again!) and then I am going to frolic in the sunshine. :) This weather can't get any better!

Lonely

I'm surrounded by 2, 500 students here at SU, and I feel so lonely. I have friends, I know I do, but I'm not particularly close to anyone here. I don't have that "bestie," that person I really click with and it's making the awkward transition to a new place harder.

I didn't get a chance to form bonds with people last semester. I was at home! When I came back, everything was so different. I really thought I'd be able to slide into a group somewhere, but that just hasn't happened.

I've felt like an outsider before but never in such a large setting. At least those other times there was someone I could talk to who I was close-ish with. Here, there's no one.

Finished!

My Psych Quiz was this morning, and if I checked correctly, I made an 88. I'm kind of unsure how I should feel about it though. I know, it's stupid, but I really felt prepared for the quiz... So it was kind of a bummer. I really hope she throws a question out, it was really stupid and poorly worded which made it super confusing.

I just have to pack and go to rehearsal today. I've had all this free time that I'm just not used to.

Oh, I also had my first experience with Microsoft Publisher. It was really easy, which is good for someone who is not computer fluent. I had to make posters for extra credit in Spanish; and believe me 3% points is a godsend!

Midterms

It's that time. I'm stressing, freaking out, and will be so happy once all of my tests are over. Friday marks the first day of spring break, and I am thrilled. I haven't been home since I arrived on campus in January. I'm itching to switch out clothing and bring home a different pillow. Oh, memory foam, I missed you more than I thought! That goes double for my down mattress topper.

It'll be nice to be able to do my laundry without having to take me debit card with me, and time each machine.

I'll also be seeing my grandparents! I miss them a lot. It'll be really nice to see them.

Obviously, I'm putting off my studying. And I'm going to have to return soon. But I did want to update on how Midsummer is going. The concept changed (again). It's now Elizabethan in Athens and 70s glam in the forest. I'm a Disco Goddess Fairy. Everyone's been practicing their moves before rehearsal starts. I really like it, it just soaks up so much of my time. I rehearse Sunday through Thursday from 6:30-10. It's a long rehearsal where it's hard to concentrate. So, I'll be relieved when I don't have to go to rehearsal like it's my job.

Ill

Still feeling kind of poopy. I'm pretty worn out right now. I can't sleep all day, unfortunately. I have a Psych test to study for and some other stupid homework.

Yesterday was really fun. Brynnah and Largo and I hung out yesterday and made duct tape roses...well, I made tulips. The L.S.M. Talent Show was yesterday too. I recited the alphabet backwards. :) It's quite a feat especially because it takes me literally 5 seconds to do it.

We also had a photoshoot and spent the better part of an hour in Issac's singing show tunes.

Winter

Do you know why I like it? Because everything is frozen solid, that's why. Everything including pollen and other things that send my sinuses into an outrage against my body.

So why can I feel a sinus infection coming on?

I think it's because of the constant on, off, on, off situation with the heater in my room. We don't have any "cool" air. We get to choose between Hot As Hell on high or Hot As Hell on low. And turning the heater off is nice until the entire room begins to feel like an icebox.

I'm trying to fight this off if it's just a cold, but if it's a sinus infection and I don't feel better Monday, I'm calling the health center asap.

Busy, busy, busy!

That's what's been up with me the past few days. Monday was auditions for A Midsummer Night's Dream...I'm in it, I'll save you some suspense. Rehearsals run 6:30-10 basically every night but Friday and Saturday for now. Tonight though, we got out around 9, so it wasn't too bad.

I have a group project due soon. I'm not thrilled. I hate group projects. There's always that one person who just doesn't want to do anything. And we're getting a group grade. So, if one person doesn't turn in their paper at the end, we're all deducted a letter grade. Not. Cool.

So, I'm really hoping that the people in my group aren't a bunch of chuckle heads.

And now, something completely random inspired by Amy. It's 25 things you don't care to know! Whoo!

1. I'm a NC native.
2. I am definitely a better vocalist than insturmentalist.
3. Theatre is a lifestyle not a hobby.
4. If you say something that reminds me of a song, I will sing it. Always.
5. I can make things really awkward if I so choose.
6. I hate it when boys play cat and mouse with me. If you like me, tell me damnit!
7. I have contacts, but you'll usually see me in my glasses. Why? Contacts take too much time to put in in the mornings, and I usually can't open my eyes enough to insert them anyway.
8. I'm pretty self conscious, but you wouldn't normally notice.
9. Chocolate + peanut butter = love.
10. Twix are my favorite candy.
11. I'm a carboholic. I probably need to go to carb intake rehab. Seriously.
12. I'm easily distracted.
13. I have no personal bubble unless I don't know you or you're creepy.
14. I'm fairly easy going.
15. I'm pretty funny, I think.
16. I don't wear makeup if I don't have to.
17. I tried being vegetarian once. I failed. I love meet way too much.
18. Given the chance, I will nap any time anywhere.
19. Mention Natalie Weiss, and I'll talk about her forever.
20. If I don't have chapstick with me I will freak out. *Applies chapstick*
21. Gonna buy me lotion or perfume? Stick with a fruity, not a flower-y scent.
22. Juno is my favorite movie. It's boss.
23. I've memorized Finding Nemo. No lie.
24. I'm a ridiculously bad speller.
25. I'm pretty much grammatically correct all the time and correct people when they're not.